These words are in me – asking for what you want is a major theme in my life, with my family also. It continues to be edgy to make a request, to ask. Even when I imagine that I’ve been told “no” hundreds or thousands of times, still to ask. To persist. Without making the “no” mean anything about me.
Receiving is seldom what I thought I would receive. The gift is incorporated in the asking, it is to be encouraged, emboldened somehow. Not to be thrown to the curb as I had predicted. To be welcomed in. So the act of asking becomes more natural. Perhaps I even get what I ask for too. Or I learn something. More feedback from the universe. I’m inspired to say “Okay, do I still want what I wanted?”
Receiving a clear “no” is also, in fact, a gift. Next..!
Telling on ourselves – that’s a gift of an open door to the truth. Putting it all on the table for everyone to see. The opposite of so many hilarious sitcoms that feature a lie stacked on a misunderstanding on a wobbly foundation of half-truths.
Man, the truth is powerful. Suppress it all we want, it will create its own way out.
Thank you for Katherine Woodward Thomas (Calling in the One) for the inspiration today. She writes:
I spent a lot of time journalling and reading to try to sort through the many emotions, sensations, and responses that had, for so many years, remained unnamed…I had to own feelings and thoughts that were contrary to my image of myself as a ‘nice’ person…You really can’t be that invested in looking good if you want to know the experience of love.
As did I – as a university student, I was obsessed with trying to find the origin of my worries and my bad moods. I noticed: shame or disappointment in my choosing comfort over connection, feeling sadness at being alone (but also relief), feeling angry about someone else’s behaviour (even if it wasn’t actually inspired by or even directed towards me) and generally feeling frustrated, confused and relieved about being invisible (but fearful of being seen).
These were my first steps down a long path of self discovery. I’m still learning to stop suffering and ask for help.
I created this photograph in Mill Hill Park (Victoria, BC) – it was the end of a mainly uphill hike, and a fruitful solo outing taking photographs of the camas and a naval ship from the top of the hill. It’s a reminder that we don’t know what’s right around the corner, in this case, something joyful and beautiful. It’s our challenge to be present to find it and appreciate it.